ANTIPODE

Longing for Who I Never Was

ANTIPODE

Longing for Who I Never Was

Mila Fertek

Colophon

Antipode. Longing for Who I Never Was by Mila Fertek
was translated from the original Dutch by Argus Moorslag.

This edition was produced by Uitgeefhuis De Manke God,
a literary publishing house dedicated to radical authenticity,
layered identity, and poetic transformation.

Printed in 2025 by !Maatwerk Grafisch Den Helder (The Netherlands)
Cover art: Salomé dansant devant Hérode (1876), Gustave Moreau

Translation © Argus Moorslag 2025
Original work © Mila Fertek 2024
ISBN/EAN: 9789083211152

 

 

“Reason is where feeling has taken us”
– Nol Krentsch

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Contents

 

Genesis

Existence

Dissimulation

Phantom

Zenith

Foundation

Magnificat

Vanitas

Symbiosis

Do Not Leave Me

About Life, Death, and My Lies

Untouchable

Traces Somewhere in the Landscape of My Soul

My Future Is Nothing but Horizon

Versus

Antithesis

In the Dream in Which I Existed

Somewhere Near the End of My Future

Wanting to Be No One

Catharsis

In aeternum

GENESIS

1

What I have made of myself
My eyes don’t want to know
I possess immense remorse for what I must think
Of myself
Remorse for the little time I knew
To spend on myself
Shame with regard to her
Whom I could have been
The commands I received from myself
I executed without the slightest consideration
Where it concerned my future
I knew nothing but how to stack
One emptiness upon another
I mistook stillness for progress

2

My development into nothing
Took on forms that
Human as they were
Led me to profound dejection
In the ultimate realization
That what I made
From the material
Freely given to me, mind you
With which I could build myself
Was nothing but the source
Where cynicism effortlessly found its origin

EXISTENCE

1

I felt as if I were about to awaken
There was little left keeping me from it
That too I felt

Yet how to cross the border from darkness to light
Remained, for a while
Of that I was sure, unknown

I got up to open the curtains
What I saw was not visible
Nor did I realize I had gotten up
To open the curtains

2

I felt as if I walked on cold tiles
I saw a hopeless peace
Which in my coming awakening
Of which I was still entirely sure
Would lead to fresh blood
New wars
Old joy

I felt
Truly like a human being
And now more than ever
I realized
That my awakening was imminent

3

Towards the end of my awakening I raised my right arm
Which immediately fell back, helpless
Given the weight of the blankets
That carefully wished to accompany me
In my awakening

As futile as ever that awakening of mine
I understood
Because of the always denied
But very real awareness
Of what I’ve carried all my life
The knowledge
That awakening will always remain a dream for me

DISSIMULATION

1

My insincerity consists of the chilly coat I must wear
daily,
and for almost the entire day
A tailored coat
Made especially for me
I do not know how to behave naturally
When I,
if only fleetingly,
look at someone
who, animated in conversation with another,
forgets his own presence
I see clearly,
in my mind,
the words that precisely describe him
And when he

2

Noticing me suddenly
When I,
I can’t help it,
have to look at him again
Would ask if there’s something
I would just as clearly find the words
That do not describe
What I see in him

More than reassured
—I am a charming person, after all—
He will continue his conversation contentedly
And quickly forget me
Never is my insincerity noticed
No one doubts my good intentions

PHANTOM

1

If I had not done what I have done in my life
What would I then have done

My life
What does it mean anyway
This life of mine that I live
Are the days in it mine
Of that so-called life of mine
Since I dwell in them without will

Are the things I do
Things that are being done
To become things
That have been done

2

Are the things
That I have seen
That I have heard
That I have felt
Real

Are impressions real
Is reality an impression of reality
And
If it is an impression
What I think
Then what is reality

ZENITH

1

Today I felt as if I were going to awaken
Awaken from
Not a dream
Nor a deep reverie
An awakening from life itself
So it seemed to me

Life from everything where
The grocer with his small shop
The punished man in his cell
The mother with her child in her arms
Attaches value

My awakening this day was slow
Unaware of what it caused
It made the morning long
Grey as usual

2

The afternoon a barely perceptible glow
The evening a slowly lighting vision

I felt that I was going to say goodbye
Or perhaps
At that moment
Had already said goodbye

I stared out the window
It was night
Dark
Nourishing
Soft
I saw the bulging light of the streetlamps
Heard the chirping of crickets
And what I saw
I did not see

3

What I heard
I did not hear

I understood that I had awakened
But not how it had happened
Although I certainly
Harbored a suspicion

At that time

When my consciousness
Did not yet possess consciousness

FOUNDATION

1

What I always understood
I no longer understand
Where I once dreamed without worry
There are no more dreams
The distance between conscience and shame
Is no longer a distance

I begin to feel
That I possess no feelings
The days through which I wander
Are more like years than months
Eventually turning into nothing
Which is a grace
For those who truly claim to understand something
Which is not granted to me
Grace, what does it mean
Nothing is nothing

2

No understanding not to understand
Nor feeling not to feel
No dreams nor awakening
Nor distance that is not distance
No sense of the unknowable
Carrying nothing of what
Will ultimately prove useless
Knowing no shame or conscience
Nothing that can embitter my path
Away with it all
No years nor months
Nor days
Simply
Nothing
Is where I am heading
In a warm vehicle
That leads me there unpaid

MAGNIFICAT

1

I would rather live knowing nothing
Would I understand more without living
Know more
Oh yes
I now consider
To even claim with some certainty
Of the gods
For example
Who are eternal
Without existing

The grand paradox
That guides me
Blurs my discernment
As well as my deeds make no sense
(My neighbor for instance understands nothing of me)
(Neither do I, for that matter)

2

Even so I see
Despite the heavy mist
Clearly the path
That gives direction to my life

And I know
Though I know less
Than almost nothing
That it is exactly that path
That will bring me
To
Less knowing
Less
Even less
And ultimately
Nothing

VANITAS

1

My future will be what it will never become
What is will never be what it is

Today I looked out over the sea
Forgetting that I looked out over the sea
As well as to move
Thus creating the impression
For the waitress who brought me my coffee
That I was looking out over the sea
Beautiful
Don’t you think
From a nowhere where I scarcely was
I returned
To the table in the restaurant
To the friendly hand
That served me the coffee
To the smile on her face

2

I decided
In a fraction of a second
That it was impossible to disappoint her
And said
Forcing my voice into a human form
It is spectacular
Truly

The waitress nodded cheerfully
Whereupon she was beckoned
And left my table
Me
Which seemed to me highly plausible
Leaving behind in good faith
While I myself barely understood
Where I was

SYMBIOSIS

1

Always when I go among people
She who I am not
Invariably slips into me

I do not resist her
How could I

In how she distorts my smile
My voice
My manifestation
My eternal attempt
My willing being
I deeply hate her
I do not hate her

2

I know she is
Who I am

I know her skittish glance
Her voice that fails
Precisely when it must not fail

When she greets the people
They greet her back kindly
They do not know who she is

Her pleasant intonation
Is a farce
I know all of that

3

When after all the greetings
She sits at the table where she always sits
She finds, despite her growing panic,
The calm that temporarily heals her

I know that better than anyone
Since I always
Sitting at that same table
Drink her black coffee

DO NOT LEAVE ME

1

The time I spend with myself
Is the most precious I possess
I never bore myself

I have determined that

Contemplating my eternal failure
In long silences
Is one of my greatest pleasures

The dignified cold of the poles
The elegant heat of the deserts
The journey I offer myself
Always makes me tremble with delight

Being alone is the goal of my life
My life that has no goal

2

I am loyal only to myself
A thought for which I am extremely grateful
To an unknown god
Who lives within me

To get to know myself
I laugh while wasting all the hours of my days

I do not fear loneliness

My travel companion never falters
She is always by my side

I am with you she then says
I am your guide to understanding
To wisdom

Do not leave me

ABOUT LIFE, DEATH, AND MY LIES

1

When I suffer
That suffering is caused
As a rule
By a sometimes painfully unexpected happiness

A touch
An uplifting word
From those who
Because of my presumed fate
That I love
Concern themselves with my well-being
Which is a different well-being
Than they could ever imagine
My well-being
Which
Thank a god for that
Will never flourish through thoughts of cruelty

2

My well-being
That through my ever-changing palette
Of big and small lies
Sometimes amusing
Sometimes disillusioning
Is capable of nourishing my soul
On the edge of what is permissible

I am the cold-blooded amazon
Who wages her own wars
Armed
With weapons forged from her inexhaustible arsenal
Of pretending
Her brilliant incapacity

3

Her actions are small
Yet this is how she faces each new day
And just like me
She loves her lies
The lies that are inevitable
If one wishes to live
And gather even a little happiness
Thanks to the reassuring thought
That someday it will all finally be over
With all those lies
Good or bad
Amusing or appalling
And with that small happiness as well

That peace will finally be signed
Universal rest

UNTOUCHABLE

1

Even the slightest touch makes me shudder
I recoil from lips too near
Timid as I always am
When warmth threatens to approach me

The wonder of friendship
The affection of trust I do not know

Never enough are the roles I must play

I play them again and again
In endless variations
As well as new roles when needed
Which may lead to new parodies

2

The shadow that I am
I must follow

The light
That creates that shadow
Shines only from behind me

Thus I must go on
Thus I go on

Neither happy
Nor unhappy

But ecstatic
Always and ever
As in a dream

TRACES SOMEWHERE IN THE LANDSCAPE OF MY SOUL

1

The trace I have made
The trace toward where I did not want to be
(So I thought at the time)
Has brought me here

I
Finally arrived
Look around me
To see
That nothing resembles
That which I
(Then)
Thought I would see

Involuntarily I looked back
At the many obstacles
That always hindered me along the way

2

The obstacles I did not want
Since they always and forever
Meant nothing but
To cause me to strand
Precisely where I absolutely did not want to be

Again I look around
I find myself in a room I know
A warm room
(It is a very cold night in January)
The light is soft and pleasant

Suddenly I realize
At last
What blessings are

I begin to count them

MY FUTURE IS NOTHING BUT HORIZON

1

I rarely make new enemies anymore
My old enemies I no longer see
I have never forgiven them
Even when I already had
I still had not forgiven them

Their names have gotten lost somewhere in me
Just as my name in theirs
Which is a blessing
Since, in my view,
names mean nothing

So that my shadow may no longer lead me
I have renounced the sunlight
The paths I follow are full of little noise
I no longer wish to draw attention
Silently I neither complain nor rejoice

2

Ecstatic outbursts of joy
Make me shiver

Deep melancholy
I want nothing to do with it

What lies within my reach
Is astoundingly little
And yet a universe

Each mystery that behaves soberly
I prefer above
Any other mystery lacking that trait

For example that of the people
In the coffeehouse who

3

After a comical person
(Which had already been noticed by several present)
(And I had noticed that again)
Seduced the company he was with
And was clearly the animator of
To burst into roaring laughter

Such a mystery which nothing can counter
That is by no means sober
Although it captures my attention
It has frighteningly little beyond that
Only perception
No feeling
Preferably in twilight
Rendering what is perceived
Is what drives me
Nothing more

VERSUS

1

My limitations make me act cautiously
Speak cautiously
I think about myself with the thoughts of others

I do not have much to say about myself
The boundaries of my capabilities are always near

None of my misconceptions is an exception
Each misconception of mine is a rule
Which no one can follow
I possess so much of myself
That I understand everyone who is solitary by nature
Everything that comes from outside I keep at bay

2

In my firm conviction
That it shows strength
Not to attach the slightest value to the opinions of others

Even though they think they know me well
They have no idea
I remain openly silent all the time
My smile is charming
My voice lively
There lives a great actress in me

ANTITHESIS

1

Never will I be able to love those
Who hate my enemies
My enemies are dear to me
They take care of my well-being
By never wanting to engage with me
A gesture I greatly appreciate

My enemies are of great importance to my life
They freely provide me with the insight
That there is a path meant for me alone
Where there is no space for passersby
Richly filled with prejudices
That have nothing to do with my life

2

A consolation for those who hate my enemies
Is the certainty that they only agree on
That which I firmly believe to mean
Which, in essence, hardly interests them
Namely, those enemies of mine
Whom they barely know
With whom they never fought
Whose blood they have never heard flow

IN THE DREAM IN WHICH I EXISTED

1

To think with my feelings
Which many have advised me against
(That last part is a lie, by the way)
(Rarely does anyone offer me advice)
Has brought me here
Where I never thought I’d be

Daily I live my life
As if I have already lived it

My memory refers
Likely because of all this
To an imagination of something
That long ago died
Or never existed
Or may possibly come to exist

2

Grace
For me
Is the realization
That it is a true joy
Not to know
Whether my presumed self will still be there tomorrow

What more is there to say about it
My past is
What my future will be
Namely
Nothing other than
The great void from which
I came

3

I am nothing but an idea of myself
Without knowing who I am
Or if I am
Nor whether what I claim is true
Others must always point that out to me
Which they then do
Admittedly with very little frequency
But still they do
And truly I thank them warmly for it
That it is so
That I exist
But then after that brief euphoria
Not much later
I hardly believe any of it
Rather
Most of the time
That I am dreaming

SOMEWHERE NEAR THE END OF MY FUTURE

1

As I show the world my helplessness
Without shame
My
(I cannot help it)
Ever veiled estrangement
Remains the only glove that fits
My apathy the sad fortress
That should lead to zest for life

Yet

My conscience laughs at everything
(That which pains me)
I begin to think all metaphors are pointless
Since metaphors mean nothing
Nor can they lead anywhere

2

I move forward by
Persistently
Standing still
At all the phenomena I do not understand

Every detail in me
Is a flaw
Every mystification of mine contains
A hidden truth
That does not exist

My being is nothing
But eternity in the making

Not knowing
Never knowing
Is the source of all my behavior

3

I consider it necessary
(As much as possible)
To close the eyes of my consciousness
To see in everything that came before
Which I examined with utmost care

With, for me,
An almost certain certainty
Although certainties are unknown to me
That I am
Somewhere
Near the end of my future

WANTING TO BE NO ONE

1

All that I pursue is doomed to fail
Eventually I have found some happiness in that
Invulnerable happiness
That I keep with utmost care in the shrine
Of my ever dimly lit consciousness

The evening of the day I decided to be someone
The darkest evening of my life
Has gotten lost somewhere in my past

Then
Once
There
Something was born
That I did not foresee
Someone I did not want to be

2

My approach to others
The people
Seemed to have come to a halt

The accompanying sensations
Especially my reactions to them
Drove me farther and farther away
From who I
Only moments earlier
Thought I wanted to be

Serenity filled me
A god seemed near
There was no one who reproached me
No one who
As they could not possibly have known
Seemed to possess doubt

3

Concerning the big and small lies
About myself
That I incessantly
And irresistibly
Must scatter

(How could they know)

My incoherence
Which no one
Wishes to address with me
It does not occur to them

My ever-cramped discomfort
They do not see it

4

The most plausible thing, however,
To me is
That they do not want to see it
That they do not dare to see it

There is much autumn in my striving
Winter is near

CATHARSIS

1

The distrust I hold toward the one
Who persistently insists on being myself
Is of a ridiculous and deeply serious nature
In every reflection of myself
I see nothing but endless deceit concerning her who
Means well for me
Always forgetting that I wish to know no one
Who means well for me

She forces me into a smile that is not mine
A touch that belongs to someone else
A supposedly shared thought
That I do not share with her
And never will
Yet she possesses an iron will

2

She who insists on claiming to be myself
Constantly urges me to trust the good
Intentions she claims to have especially for me
Truly she has no idea what good intentions
Can lead to

She has no idea of the world in which people live
What they must tell themselves, endure,
To make it through that fantastic life of ours
She wants nothing to do with such lies
Nor does she know that I do not wish to know her better
Stubbornly she keeps knocking on the peeling, tattered
Door of my soul
But she cannot enter
I distrust her

IN AETERNUM

1

Doubt is dear to me
I cherish defeats
From my convictions I step away laughing
My defeats bring me
What no triumph ever could

The history of my future
Is an open book to me
The future of my past
Will bring me nothing
That could be of use

2

Tears are the silent witnesses of regret
Such witnesses are unknown to me
The times in my life I have cried
Can be counted on the fingers of one hand

I usually say I’m doing fine
Better is not what I strive for

Better is the enemy of good
My wish is for things to go
As things go

3

That they follow the path
Appointed to them
There is no better path
Nor worse either

I too follow the path recommended to me by the gods
Though sometimes burdened by immense doubt
I follow that path
Neither joyful
Nor dejected
For no other is available

 

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